Nobody Said
by surrendersomething
Summary: “nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard...” Meredith and Derek, post-Desire. Where do they go from here?
1. Prologue

_**Title:**_ Nobody Said

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_I have £-31 in the world. I don't think it's mine.

_**Summary:**_"nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard..." Meredith and Derek, post-Desire. Where do they go from here?

_**Authors Note:**_well this is the first thing I've written in a while, so I hope you enjoy! I know it's harking back a little, but I was thinking about how differently things could've gone after the ferryboat... and well, this is what appeared in my overactive imagination. Lyrics used at the are by Tegan and Sara. Enjoy, & please let me know what you think!

* * *

_Where do you go, with your broken heart in tow?  
What do you do, with the left over you?_

_I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you. I love you and I want you but I don't know what to..._

His words swam through her head – over and over, round and round, up and down... any direction they could find, actually. One sorry sentence after another, slamming right into her consciousness with a force she somehow didn't have the energy to resist.

Coming in the voice of the man she loved... well, they were almost unbearable. She'd wanted to jump in, stop him, deny it all... but it was like her voice was restrained.

His next accusation hit her with heartbreaking force.

_You didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to..._

He knew. He'd known, the entire time, and she'd been stupid enough to think that going back to bright and shiny would be enough to keep the pretence going. Enough to convince them both that nothing had even gone wrong.

But he knew, and he'd kept it to himself.

It was supposed to be her with the trust issues, the communication issues. But he'd sounded so... defeated. After all they'd struggled through, he'd sounded like suddenly, he couldn't quite convince himself that she was still worth fighting for. Which was quite possibly a worse feeling than anything she'd felt in that water.

Because she _had_ fought. When it got to that critical moment, she'd fought. Admittedly, she'd needed a little convincing, and there was no denying that moment where she'd given up, but really... who could blame her?

Not that excusing herself would do any good, at this point.

It was true, she had given up. And that was possibly the worst thing she could have done to him. Sometimes, she forgot that he wasn't quite as strong as her mind pictured him to be. He had a lot to live up to in that McDreamy nickname, because he wasn't perfect. Nobody was.

He'd pulled her out of the water. And he wasn't sure if he could keep pulling her.

_I don't know if I wanna...keep trying to breathe for you._

Wasn't sure if she could keep herself afloat.

She did know how to swim. Literally and figuratively, she knew how to swim, and suddenly she was realising that she didn't really have an excuse, that she wouldn't really blame him for not fighting for this.

That really, they might not be so different after all, if this was the point where he gave up.

But maybe she didn't want to give up. Maybe, she wanted there to be something worth saving. She wanted to be _his_ knight in shining whatever, and give him something to believe in. To be strong enough to fight for this, to fight for them. She just wasn't quite sure that the strength was there anymore. Wasn't sure quite where the fight instinct was hiding.

Almost in answer to her question, she heard the unmistakable metal clinch of the door opening.

And right in that second, she realised that she _did _want to keep breathing.

But this time, it really might be too late.

_tbc._


	2. Nobody Said

_**Title:**_ Nobody Said

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_I have £-1 in the world now. I still don't think it's mine.

_**Summary:**_"nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard..." Meredith and Derek, post-Desire. Where do they go from here?

_**Authors Note:**_lyrics used are _"The Scientist"_ by Coldplay. I'd love to know if people are enjoying this!

* * *

_Nobody said it was easy..._

_No one ever said it would be this hard. _

When they said it rained in Seattle, they really meant it rained. It was relentless, soaking everything in its sight in a matter of seconds.

She sat at the end of the deck, head bowed, gripping her keys fiercely in one hand as she stared down at the grass below her feet. From the repeated crunch of the keys as they slid against one another, he could imagine her knuckles were white from the strain of holding them so tight. She wasn't exempt from the soaking effect of the rain – the thin shirt that she'd unbuttoned teasingly such a short time ago was translucent, stuck tight against her skin, and he thought he caught a slight, regular shake of her shoulders underneath the darkened strands of hair that clung to her back.

His brain flashed through a sudden montage of images – her offering him a bottle of wine and a view of the ferryboats as her hair clung to her face in the rain; her rosy cheeks and cheeky grin as he joined her in the shower one morning; her features bathed in candlelight as they 'took it slowly' in the bathtub... and, just as he was wondering whether it was really worth giving all that up... her skin tinged with blue as he pulled her out of the water.

Shaking his head sharply, he focused his attention back on the woman in front of him, and tried to drag the good times back to the front of his mind.

But somehow, everything was tinged with that same blue.

Lightening cracked in the distance, and it briefly crossed his mind that a metal trailer probably wasn't the best place for either of them to be during a thunderstorm... which really gave him no excuse for why he was still frozen in said metal doorway.

Except for the fact that she still looked like the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.

It was when her shoulders slumped and the keys slipped out of her grasp, hitting the grass with a dull thud that he moved, letting the door slam carelessly behind him. Placing the keys gently back in her outstretched hand, he realised in a second that nothing would have prepared him for the devastated look in her eyes. He'd done it again. Added yet another chalk mark to the number of times he'd broken Meredith Grey. And suddenly he found that he couldn't move once again, frozen to his crouched position in front of her. Captivated almost, by the way the rain provided a perfect disguise for the tears falling freely down her cheeks.

Yet somehow, he knew they were there.

She was a girl of few tears, and that fact alone had been the one thing that told him she trusted him, throughout the minefield of their relationship. She trusted him enough to let him see her cry, even at the times when he was in the middle of wrecking things.

Surely that was something to grip on to, right? There had to be something explaining why his fingers still rested against hers. And suddenly she was talking, rambling even, and even though her voice was hoarse with tears and he had to strain to hear it over the roar of the rainfall, to him... it was beautiful.

"Did you ever stop to think, Derek, that maybe the one reason I started to fight could have been you? Not Cristina, my _person_, the one who was here for me _unconditionally_ while you were off breaking my heart, not Izzie, not George, not my stupid excuse for a family... it was **you**, Derek. I was stupid, I admit that. I know we have to deal with that. And maybe you can blame this on my ability not to communicate, but I was under the impression that we'd established that you were kinda... it, for me..."

"Meredi–"

"No. You don't get to interrupt me. You don't get to make excuses, or tell me that you don't want to fight for this anymore. I'm sitting in the _rain_, Derek," she paused briefly, throwing her hands in the air to demonstrate, "and I can't walk away. You'd think it would be easy for me to just get up, go to my car and drive off. I've had to walk away from us before, Derek, I'm sure I could do it again. But I can't. I don't even want to think about the illnesses I could catch from this, two weeks before my exam, but I can't walk away. And the fact that you're standing out here, just as wet as I am..."

"I told you," he began quietly, turning the words over and over in his head, as he fought off the blue memories that the rain insisted on slinging to the front of his mind. "I love you. I want you. I can understand how you'd question that, but they were always a constant in this. But I'm exhausted, Mer. I can't sleep properly, because I have this irrational fear that when I wake up, you won't be breathing." He paused, lifting himself up from the grass and taking a seat next to her on the deck, not quite sure that his legs would keep him steady for the rest of the conversation. "You almost died. Your mother died, and I couldn't save her. I lost my chance of being Chief, because of us. I'm tired, Meredith, so tired. And I just... I don't know if I can find the energy to fight anymore."

"You lost..." she whispered, her hands falling limply to her lap.

"Yes," he said simply, his mind wandering to the advice Miranda had given him.

_If this turns into an either or, you pick the person you love, end of story. Look, all of this means nothing if you're alone._

"I didn't..."

"It was nothing you did," he replied instantly, working his fingers into a knot in his lap as he considered his next words. "Richard just... didn't want us to end up like he did. Alone..."

"I don't know," she offered softly, fingers gripping the edge of the decking as a substitute for the keys which sat forgotten next to her. "I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that anyway." She paused for a long moment, and he could see the muscles in her arm straining out of the corner of her eye. "You could fight this, Derek. He can't... turn you down just because of me. And you can't sacrifice what you've spent your whole career working towards..." _for me_, he filled in.

"There's more to life than work. I've had time to think this through, and it's a sacrifice–"

"Exactly!" she chopped in, a slightly shaky quality to her voice betraying the confidence her words suggested. "A sacrifice Derek, a _huge_ one. Do you know any relationship that survives something that huge?"

"I want more out of life than I can get from a job," he replied. "I've thought this through, Meredith. It's not some rash decision, it's something I've agonised over since I listened to Richard tell me he wasn't going to back me. I messed up my interview because I was worried about you, and I was angry... I was furious, when he wouldn't support me. But I didn't even _think_ about what was most important, before that interview. I didn't consciously put you first; god knows I didn't want to. I wanted to think about my interview, I wanted it to go well. I wanted to be Chief. But you were there Mer, whether I wanted you to be or not. You're always there. That's what love is..."

"I can't... I can't be responsible for this," she whispered, her knuckles turning white again as she tried to force herself into movement.

"I love you, Meredith!" he shouted suddenly, pushing himself into a standing position with energy he hadn't realised was there. "Are you hearing **any** of that?! I want you, Meredith, **you**. For the rest of our lives, I want there to be an 'us', and maybe if you started talking to me, that could be what happens." Slowing the pacing he hadn't even realised he'd started; he took a couple of steps closer to her again. "This is not about the job. The job is not why I've been fighting to find the energy to fight for us..."

His eyes were drawn to the tight fists her hands were clenched in, and just for a second he let himself wonder how it was possible to tell so much about her from the position of her hands. And suddenly he realised. It was little moments like that which told him he wasn't ready to give up on her so quickly. But he had to do his own share of the talking. He had to push on, because if he didn't, he was scared they had nowhere left to go.

"My whole world is tinged with blue. Everything is that same deathly blue, the colour that _your_ skin was, when I pulled you out of the water, and I just... I can't get away from it. Meredith it's in your hands now," he told her softly. "I need... I need you to find the energy this time. I need you to give me a reason..."

For just a moment too long, there was silence. What would've been deathly silence, were it not broken by the dull, regular pounding of the rain, and the even quicker thumping of his heart, echoing at the back of his head. Although each and every noise could've been a million miles away for all he realised, so focused he was on the silence emanating from the woman in front of him.

And it was in that never-ending moment that her choked whisper of "please don't give up..." almost brought him to his knees.

Then she sobbed, and he was lost.

Frozen.

"I don't... I almost... I _died_, Derek," she managed between sobs, her voice hoarse as she finally brought her eyes up to meet his. "I wish I had an explanation for you. I need it myself, but I just... I don't remember," she said quietly. "The water was **freezing**, Derek. My muscles were freezing up, I was exhausted... every effort I made to push myself up was failing..."

"You didn't swim..." he whispered in confusion. "But you did? You..."

"I did fight. I fought so hard but it... nothing seems to be enough anymore. It wasn't enough for you, for my mom, for my own pathetic life... I couldn't even save myself, and just for a second, maybe I let myself think that I _was_ nothing but ordinary. I couldn't save myself..."

It was only when he forced himself to tear his own eyes open, that he realised hers were tightly shut too, as she battled whatever fight she just couldn't bring herself to let him in to.

"Meredith, please..." he whispered, letting himself fall back into his previous position next to her.

"I can't explain it," she whispered, shaking her head with a dry choke of laughter, "You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you, but... something happened. When I was 'dead', I... saw some people. And she told me... told me I was anything but ordinary. And I **did** want to be here. I wanted to live, all in a second. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I guess I didn't realise that until it was almost too late. So I can't explain it, Derek, I can't tell you what changed because I just don't know. But I did fight. Suddenly, I had to fight. It took me a while to get there, which scares the crap out of me _every_ single day... but I want to be here. I want to close my eyes at night and not be bombarded with a different reality where I gave up..."

"Me too," he whispered instantly, dropping his head just at the second where she finally opened her eyes. "Everything's blue, Mer..._ everything_," he added, voice cracking just a little. Her cold fingers slipping between his came completely unexpected, and the surprise almost made the tears he'd been fighting spill over his cheeks with the same force the clouds were forcing the rain out of the sky with.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry..." she whispered. "If you ask me to leave, I'll walk away, right now... but I did fight for you," she whispered. "I want to keep fighting. I want to make this work, I just... I don't know how. I can't figure out how on my own. I don't know where we go from here..."

His mind was dragged back into the not-so-distant past, at her almost pitiful admission..._"Ok, well this is how it works. You fight sometimes, and somebody apologizes." _

"_...well how am I supposed to know that?"_ He forgot. Every day, he forgot that she hadn't done the relationship thing before. That if he was in the dark as to where to go next, it must be a million times blacker for her. Shaking his head quickly, he dragged his thoughts back to the present, banishing all thought of the fight that had ended in a far more positive way.

"We figure it out together," he told her quietly. "That's how it's supposed to work..."

"Do you think _we_ can...?" she asked hesitantly, the silence itself sounding petrified as he tried to find his answer.

He desperately wanted to say yes. With everything he had, he wanted to say yes. Yet somehow, those three little letters seemed to remain elusive.

"I don't know."

"I wouldn't blame you..." she offered quietly, as a statement he was sure she meant to be reassuring, even as he was counting to ten to stop himself from shouting.

But suddenly, something snapped.

"That has to stop, for starters," he ordered firmly, sitting up a little straighter. "The whole negative thing stops, here. If we have any hope..."

"I love you," she offered quietly, rendering him instantly silent. "Not just in a... let you eat the last piece of cheesecake type of way," she added with a slight smile, "but in a really important, make-or-break, scaring the crap out of me way. I know I don't say it, I know I'm not so good at the whole 'communicating' thing, but can't we at least... try? That wasn't negative. At least, it wasn't meant to be negative, so if you could just ignore the last sentence, then it'd be..."

"Perfect?"

"I was going for bright and shiny," she countered gently, biting her lip as she felt him squeeze her fingers a little.

"We're not made for bright and shiny," he pointed out with a slight shake of his head. "Meredith, I... I'm not sure I know how to fix this. My head is all over the place and I just can't get a handle on things right now."

"Maybe we need time," she offered quietly. "We're so... _so_ close to losing this right now, and I... let's not rush it."

"Time... hasn't seemed to do us that much good in the past," he offered quietly, the heartbreakingly confused tone in his voice catching something deep inside her.

"What about if I promise not to run?" she asked, finally meeting his eyes and letting him grasp onto the tiny glimmer of hope that sparkled behind the tears. "...and talk to you?" she added quietly, squeezing his hand just a little tighter to stop hers shaking. "Derek, I'll... try. Whatever it takes, this time, I'll try."

"Me too," he offered quietly, after a long pause. She nodded slowly, accepting the situation as it was. "It's not... but I'll try too. I'll try anything right now, because you... you're the love of my life, Meredith."

"I..." she whispered, tears glistening in her eyes at the enormity of the statement she'd just been presented with. "I'm worth fighting for?" she asked very quietly, sounding as though the realisation had just dawned.

"Does that change things?" he asked, waiting for the barely perceptible nod of her head, before continuing. "Then yes, you're more than worth fighting for," he told her, barely having a chance to breathe before her tiny, shivering body was slammed against his and her arms were straining to circle his body.

And it felt damn near perfect.

As near to perfect as it could, when they were fully aware that a hug wasn't about to fix all that was wrong with their relationship. And slowly but surely, the awkwardness crept back in as they pulled away... except this time, it seemed to be tinged with just the tiniest bit of hope.

Hope that maybe this _was_ worth fighting for.

"Thank you," he said as she stood, watching as she dragged her hair into a makeshift ponytail, "for saying things that meant something..."

"You're welcome," she replied quietly, at a loss for anything more meaningful to say as she leant over to kiss his cheek quickly before picking up her keys. "Goodnight, Derek."

"Goodnight... Meredith," he whispered, more to himself than to anyone else, making no effort to move from the decking as she walked to her car.

"Derek?" she called, fingers on the door handle. He looked up, waiting for her to speak. "Next time... I won't wear blue."

And it was that tiny, insignificant comment that made all the difference.

He nodded slightly, watching her climb into her car... and it was only as the headlights disappeared into the distance that he realised, sometime during the end of their conversation... it had stopped raining.

And in Seattle, that had to be a sign.

--


	3. You've got a Friend

_**Title:**_ Nobody Said

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_well I have money. But nope. Not mine.

_**Summary:**_"nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard..." Meredith and Derek, post-Desire. Where do they go from here?

_**Authors Note:**_lyrics used are _"You've Got A Friend"_ by James Taylor. Enjoy!

* * *

_If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds,_

_And that old north wind should begin to blow..._

If Izzie was at all disconcerted at the sight of her roommate standing in the living room doorway in the middle of the night, looking like she'd taken a shower but forgotten to take her clothes off, Meredith thought she was really doing a damn good job at hiding it. In fact, she barely looked up from her ice cream. Nevertheless, Meredith felt compelled to explain her somewhat bedraggled appearance.

"Derek and I had a fight."

"A... water fight?" Izzie asked, one eyebrow quirked in amusement.

"No. An earth shattering, breaking all proportions type of fight. In the rain." There was a pause. Eventually, Izzie simply held out her tub of ice cream in response and gestured to the spare spoon resting on the coffee table, sensing this wasn't the time for smart comments. "I don't know what to do, Iz," she added eventually.

"Start from the beginning," Izzie commanded through a mouthful of ice cream, turning slightly to face her friend.

"You mean when we met in a bar? When I found out he had a wife? When he tried to fix things with said wife? When everything was bright and shiny again? When I drowned? Actually, you can probably ignore the first four. So yes. I drowned, and I think I might've completely by accident broken him at the same time."

"I meant tonight, dumbass." Izzie muttered dryly, digging out another spoon of ice cream. "But while we're on the topic, it seriously took you this long to figure that point out?"

"He's very good at pretending to be okay," she muttered in response, sinking a little further into the cushions.

"Okay... okay, we'll deal with that one later. So back to tonight?"

"We had sex," Meredith began, ignoring Izzie's cursory eye roll. "And then I asked him what was wrong, and he said some... things, about the drowning. How he didn't know if he could breathe for me anymore. And I... left."

"Smooth, Mer," Izzie contributed dryly.

"You didn't see the look in his eyes, okay?" she snapped, stabbing the ice cream fiercely with her spoon. Izzie acceded, gesturing a silent apology with her spoon before waiting for her friend to continue. "So I left. The trailer. But I needed a moment to digest the fact that we might have just 

broken up... so I sat down. In the _rain_. I should've just driven away, then we could've talked about it tomorrow...today," she interrupted herself, glancing at her watch, "whatever, when we hadn't just argued after sex... really good sex by the way, you should try the whole angry sex thing sometime, Iz–"

"Rambling, Meredith," Izzie intervened helpfully.

"Right. Sorry. Uhh... right. He came outside too. We sat in the rain and... Jesus, Iz, he almost _left _me," she said quietly, closing her eyes for a second. "And to be honest, I couldn't really blame him."

"Do you love him?"

"More than you know," Meredith replied softly, looking down at her fingers.

"Have you told him? Not," she continued quickly, before Meredith could speak, "during or immediately after sex, and not when you're arguing. That's not telling you love him just because you want him to know. So, do you tell him you love him?"

"Not... in so many words..."

"Well maybe that's your problem," Izzie pointed out wisely. "Tell him, Meredith. Tell him just because you can. No agendas." She paused, considering her next statement. "It's not a fix. Everything won't be alright as soon as you say it, but if I know you at all... it'll help."

"He said everything is blue, Iz. _Everything__**. **_Blue. Because of me... how do I fix that?"

"Don't wear blue?" she offered dryly.

"That's what I said," Meredith countered dryly. "Somehow I don't think wearing pink is _quite_ going to cut it..."

"Where do you stand now?" Izzie asked, gesturing a little with her spoon. "After the fighting, I mean. Did you make up?"

"I think so. I... I promised not to run. And to talk to him. I want to fix this, Iz. I really..." she whispered, the rough edge to her voice confirming that she was telling the truth more than her words ever could.

Izzie watched slowly as she fought for words to describe how she felt, the emotion of the evening catching up with her once again, rendering her speechless.

"Talk to him then, just like you promised. Just... talk. Remember how it was at the beginning, when we used to find you flirting around every corner?" Meredith's lips quirked in the hint of a smile, and Izzie shook her head. "Take it back to when it was that simple. But really talk to him this time. Work your issues out. If it's worth it, when it gets to the tough stuff... you'll just talk. Because it's that or lose him, Mer, and I really don't think you want to do that."

"When did you get so wise, Iz?"

"I'm not wise, Mer. I'm so not, you really wouldn't believe me if I told you," Izzie replied softly, digging her spoon aggressively back into the ice cream.

"I'd listen," Meredith offered gently, catching for the first time the almost haunted look in her friend's eyes. "You should've said, if something was wrong. I could've..."

"If anyone knows how well avoidance works, it's you Mer..." Izzie snapped irritably, more annoyed with her own demons than she was with her friend. "...sorry," she added quickly, waiting for the quick shake of Meredith's head in understanding before dropping her head for a long moment. Meredith sighed softly, digging her own spoon companionably into the ice cream alongside Izzie's.

The statement was true, no matter how much she wanted to pretend it wasn't.

There was silence for a long moment, as both lifted their respective spoons to their lips. It wasn't really a companionable silence, not in the traditional sense of the word. More a silence between two people with huge problems...

And even greater communication issues.

"I slept with George," Izzie blurted eventually, at which Meredith's spoon clattered to the table with a metallic thump. "I slept with George and now everything's horrible..."

"You've sat here listening to all of my problems, when you've got enough of your own?" Meredith asked in amazement, reaching out blindly to pick up her spoon as Izzie nodded dumbly. "He's _married_, Iz!"

"You're a fine one to talk," she muttered in response. "Sorry... sorry." Again, there was silence. "See, I _knew_ I shouldn't have told you!"

"Izzie... Izzie no, but can you blame me for being a little shocked?" Meredith questioned, fighting to fit it all together.

Izzie. George. Sex.

It... wasn't easy.

"Okay, okay. Start... beginning, yes. Start from the beginning," she decided eventually, raising an eyebrow as she dared Izzie to challenge her borrowed phrase. But instead, Izzie just shook her head, defeated.

"We were drunk... really, really drunk, and–"

"_That_ night?!"

"Yes, Meredith, that night. And now I can't... get him out of my head. And he's transferring to Mercy West, and Callie hates me, and..."

"Rambling, Izzie," Meredith cut in gently, resting her head against her friend's shoulder. "You need to tell him, Iz. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, don't you think he deserves to know how you feel?"

"But what if he says... what if he chooses her?"

"Then _you_ need to know, so you can move on."

"When did _you_ get so wise?" Izzie asked with a slight smile, nudging Meredith slightly.

"Consider that a one off," she offered wryly. "It's too late in the evening for profound statements, I'm not even sure where that one came from. This time of night is for...sleep."

"Or sex... no, actually I'm quite enjoying the lack of that on your part..." Izzie offered dryly, receiving a none-too-gentle elbow in her stomach in response.

"So considering we're failing spectacularly at both of those options..."

"Ice cream. This time of night is for ice cream," Izzie decided firmly, wedging the tub in-between them.

Silence descended once more.

But this wasn't a lonely silence, so to speak. At least they were companionable in their loneliness, each lost in their own thoughts as their ice cream supply slowly depleted. Neither of them felt like they'd found some instant solution to their problem, but there was no denying that sharing was pretty much without its downsides.

Sometimes, home truths were what you needed to hear, and those were the sort of things that could only come from a friend.

"It's good ice cream," Meredith offered eventually, accompanying it with a weak smile. "_Really_ good ice cream, actually."

"I know," Izzie replied with a grin, resting her cheek against Meredith's hair as she dug the spoon into the tub again. "Just don't tell Alex where I hide it!"

--


End file.
